I am sorry that I am not the person you needed me to be. I have tried but I am not strong enough. As a child I was beaten and abused in other ways I will never forget although I wish I could. I always believed that one day you would come and save all us children. As time went by I grew and the abuse continued now I am an adult and the abuse still continues. I am sorry that I have fallen short of what you wanted me to be. I know the easy way would have been to become part of the system and just go along like all the others but I in good conscience could not do that. I live in a town of over 3 million people and I don’t have one single true friend. They all go out with their friends but don’t invite me because they are friends with people who don’t like me. Their friendship with those who would do me harm is more important than me. I have always tried to be a good person and it has cost me a great deal. I won’t say I am perfect nor am I trying to portray that image for that would be a lie. I will say I have always tried to be a good person and make God and, my Granny proud. I tried to always instill strength and good morals in my children and, can only hope that I did well. I will never know with my son the system made sure he couldn’t survive. My daughter bless her heart got all my strength and more she has a good heart and I am very proud of the person she is becoming. She will need all of that in the years to come I am thankful God is not making her go through this alone like I did. Tyrone is a wonderful man and a good father to their child. He was so naive to the system until he met my daughter he didn’t know how bad it could get. Since his mother worked for the system he never saw it from our side of the tracks. He is a good person and strives like her to be a better person. Please God don’t make them suffer like I had to, please make my years of suffering be payment for them so that they don’t have to go through anymore hardship. For the last 3 years I have been more alone than in any other time in my life. I spend my days with almost no human contact at all except for the contact I have on the Internet and a lot of that is not good. I am attacked a lot for the work that I do to try and protect children. I realize the system does not care about these children they only care about the money they are worth. For me to be able to live with myself I have to do what God expects me to do. My job as a human being is to do all that I can to help others who need me which I try to do the best that I can. If the only way that I can survive is to become part of the Devil’s system then I refuse, I would rather die. I am more concerned with my mortal soul then I am with the Devil’s society accepting me. I wish I had the strength that you gave to Martin Luther King or Medgar Evers but I am so sorry that I do not. I also wish I had the support that they had by others but I don’t and I never will. I thought that history would never repeat itself in this form after people became so appalled at what our country could do to others in the 60's. I really thought the 60's were going to bring about change and it did to some extent. I really believed in Martin Luther King’s Dream I now believe that he set his heights to high. I can only hope that God will understand if I fall short and can’t handle life here on earth anymore. Please forgive me if the constant ridicule, loneliness, and threats upon my life become more then I can personally bear. I will not let them take my life that is the one thing I will reserve for myself. They have taken everything that I worked my whole life to achieve but, my life is the one thing I won’t let them have. When and IF the time comes I will be nicer to myself then they ever were I will make it quick and as painless as possible I personally feel I have suffered enough. I tried to do the best that I could it was just too much for me to do all alone. I am just not evil enough for Devil’s world and I am not good enough to be a part of yours, so please God I ask that you forgive me. I tried to be the best person that I could be with the knowledge that I had I am sorry that it was not good enough. I only ask now God that you forgive me for whatever my future may bring.
